Recovery

Source: ridesabike.tumblr.com via Heather on Pinterest

My mother in law texted me on Tuesday to see if I was okay and if there was anything she could do for me. It helped just knowing that someone was thinking about me. Oskar refers to it as "the worst day" in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. As I've grown older, it seems like the simpler the phrase the more apt it becomes. Fifteen years ago, I was one person and then one morning I was someone else. Someone sadder. Someone without my dad.

Today I am not so sad. I'm not in mourning anymore, even though I still feel grief. I revisit that time and remember what it was like, grateful to not have to relive it. Grateful to have had him at all.

Magnets!

I was so glad to hear that Breaking Bad received 13 Grammy nominations this morning and even happier to have a new episode on Sunday. Kyle Hilton was commissioned to do these awesome paper dolls of the cast last year and it is really hard to pick a favorite (here are some more). 

A Follow Up Thought

No, my neighbor is not Marion Cotillard

When I listed all the attributes I most admired (linguist, great cook, active life) in my last post, the familiarity made me think this described someone I actually know. Until I realized, this IS someone I actually know. This person exists! (sort of, I think she only speaks four languages) 


This person is my neighbor. She is wonderful. She is intelligent and kind and thoughtful. I had only known her a couple of months when she got home from Germany last year and she totally brought me German chocolates for my birthday. She never makes me feel worthless in my comparatively smaller list of accomplishments and she will impart her own stories of struggle that never come off like complaining.


The catch of course is that not only will she never admit to setting the standard for personal perfection, but I realize it's different from an onlooker's point of view. Finding my way and accomplishing things that I most want often feels illusive. But I know it doesn't have to be. I'm sure I'll probably never attain Gwyneth Paltrow level, but I can be happy. I can be excited about my life. I can set aside regrets that come from sacrificing one thing for another. I can have enough.

Source: swstark.tumblr.com via SW on Pinterest

A Thought

Two of the blogs I most frequent reference the Atlantic article titled "Why Women Can't Have It All" (Get Rich Slowly and Cup of Jo). I've thought about this article a lot in the past couple of weeks. I don't have children or aging parents. It's pretty much just me and the spouse. I'm also a comfortable eight-to-fiver in a small department with over seven years with the company under my belt and...I was about to make a declarative statement about my future, but I know how jinxes work.

Still, I think babies may be in my future and what then? Will these hobbies I've been collecting lead me anywhere? How will I make it work if I decide to go back to school? What if I die before I get to do all of the things I want to do?

These dizzying questions sound a lot like when I was deciding whether I should I marry my husband. The advice I heeded was my mom's. She said, "So what? So what if things don't work exactly how you thought they would? The surprises might make you a better you." She also added, "If the only reason why you're not doing something is because you're afraid, you're just being dumb."

I've been grumpy that the baby sweater I'm currently knitting is taking up all my time this week, which is causing me anxiety with the whole "if I think this is time consuming" line of thinking. Where is this well rounded person that speaks six languages, plays multiple instruments, cooks elaborate meals and exercises five times a week? Does this person exist? Surely there are women in my neighborhood that fit this description. I think.

Source: marthastewart.com via Anna on Pinterest

Shhh

Source: flickr.com via Lauren on Pinterest

This past couple of weeks have been exhausting. I'm treading very lightly this month, trying to keep it together, trying to remember to smile, to remember that I'm okay. If anyone asks, that's what I'm sticking with. I'm okay. Happy, even. I just want this month to be over. 

Happy 4th!