Dreaming

I went to see Lauryn Hill at the Twilight Concert Series this past Thursday. This was the second time I have seen her live. Though the heavy winds and rain threatened, it was wonderful to see this R&B angel in white give me a surge of nostalgia that was the musical background at a particularly difficult time in my life.

I am resigned to the fact that I'm a wistful person. But I wonder if I rely too heavily on nostalgia, on the past. It sometimes makes it harder to feel things in the present. To be present, I guess. I've had Sam Smith's cover of Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know" on heavy rotation. A sweet twist on another nostalgic favorite. The longing is so beautiful.

Faults

I hadn't intended to, but I watched The Fault in Our Stars over the weekend. This was basically the superbowl of weepy teen movies. And I have always had a slippery hold on my emotions especially when showcased through the lens of cinematic introspection.

I went as a means of distraction and bawled my way through it. Hazel and Gus meet at a cancer support group and fall in love. They are sixteen and everything about their story seems so very short.

Along with the general weepiness, the ATX Festival had an Everwood reunion yesterday and I was immediately brought back to my favorite TV show. I'm pretty sure nostalgia will keep me from loving any other television show with the same fervor. Andy and Ephram Brown. A grieving husband who wants to love his two kids but never really tried before to even know them. His distance has made his son a stranger, but there's still hope. Still love. Man, creator Greg Berlanti can make me cry like no boy has ever done.

To Live and Love

I saw Only Lovers Left Alive yesterday. So many feels. Two vampires played by Tom Hiddleston and Tilda Swinton (Adam and Eve). The movie starts with a spinning record and I was hooked. What is life if it's not finite? How does it stay precious? How do you keep going? Eve has lived for thousands of years. Adam only hundreds. He refers to man as zombies and I wonder how apt the description can be. Yet there is Eve, his companion in everything, pointing out the ebbs and flows of humanity. She is enlivened by the survival. She touches objects and defines their place in the world. She is literally surrounded by words. The film is consuming and wonderful.

Trophy

Although it took me awhile to get into it (the title is inexplicably bad), I was sad to hear that Trophy Wife got cancelled. It was silly and corny and funny and sweet. All these weirdos seemed to genuinely care about it each other and the humor was ridiculously on point for me.

There are a lot of shows in the new TV season that I'm excited to give a chance, but this loss made me the saddest.

Stone

I am girl crushing hard on Emma Stone. Between her thoughts on skinny shaming, the Stuff Mom Never Told You Podcast and Amy Poehler's thoughts on body image, I've had my appearance very much on my mind lately. I also cut my hair yesterday. I'm so happy with it, but the change is forcing me to look in the mirror more often than I usually do.

I am confronted with a lot of...lack. There are things I can change about this dissatisfaction like a brand new haircut (seriously, my hair smells awesome), and others more that I can never hope to change. Not without drastic measures anyway. Amy Poehler's advice was to focus on a physical feature that was not  terrible, maybe even pretty great. After running through some false starts, I settled on one. I like the shape of my lips. They are full and curve nicely. Arriving at this conclusion took longer than it probably should have. I don't know. It feels a little silly to talk about especially since I consider myself the bookish nerd with the "nice personality". I do think there's value to feeling good in your skin.

Is it weird that I just keep coming back to the movie Little Women where Marmee gives advice to Meg?

20 Feet

I watched 20 Feet From Stardom last week. The movie follows several backup singers that have sung for some of the most famous singers and bands. It spotlights their talent, their dreams, and their journeys. There is a lot of disappointment for these women and not for lack of talent or hard work. Sometimes dreams never materialize even when you've done everything right.

When the movie showcased Lisa Fischer, I was mesmerized. Her voice is magic. Strong. Transcendent.  She talks about singing like it's a fragile thing, a gift that she treasures. I know that to be true. My dad could sing in a way that would make people stop whatever they were doing to listen. His voice was sweet but commanding. When I was little I tried to sing like him. I didn't have the Mariah Carey voice that I revered, but my voice was strong too and singing made feel like I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I miss it. That clarifying feeling. I worry that one day I'll look and it won't be there anymore. Singing is tied up with being brave and I have trouble doing both things, but I'm working on the brave part. 

Happy

Last week's his and hers Easter baskets

I have a tendency to think as 'future' changes to 'present' with time, 'life', and more specifically, MY life, will have clarified somehow. I will know more things. Or maybe it's more, I will "not know" fewer things. I don't know why I continue in this belief as it seldom works in this way of thinking.

I grow. I regress. I dream of changes and brace for them. I wonder if I will always be this afraid. I wait for moments where I can be brave. I see happiness inches from my fingertips and convince myself I can feel it. Today, I feel it. Nothing is different from yesterday, but I can feel happy today. My thoughts are cyclical. My life is cyclical. But not bad. Not enough material to complain about. Not today.