Waiting for Fall

I can see fall on the horizon, my favorite season, even amidst this blistering weather. I've been trying to find good podcasts lately; ploughed through This American Life and Freakonomics, listened to Alec Baldwin's Here's the Thing. I'm realling digging A Way With Words with author, Martha Barnette and lexicographer, Grant Barrett. They talk about language, grammar, colloquialisms, etymology etc. Nerd meet fellow nerds. Which brings me back to fall again. Love the change in the weather, comfy sweaters, pretty new boots and coats, the start of a new school year, Oktoberfest and my birthday. Can't wait.

Swimming

It is almost always the small things that seem to change my whole day. My RSS feed picked up this link to a video created from an excerpt of a David Foster Wallace commencement address (#iheartswiss miss). After being frightened off by the gajillion page Infinite Jest, I feel like I might just try again. Today, in the 108 degree weather, the power momentarily stalling the Trax train I was on to go home (and with that the air conditioning) and the pathetic lunch of packaged Udon noodles and bruised banana, I had a lot of material with which I could feel particularly sorry for myself. But I got home after a very long day, happy for the start of the weekend, greeted by a very cool apartment and yesterday's leftovers from Pat's BBQ. 

And I think, this is water. There was a comment on Tina's website that wondered if the video's message changed because the speaker committed suicide. I don't think it does at all. The message says life is hard and more than that, life is boring and tedious and frustrating. Choosing to find meaning, to find reasons why or why not, gives power. It gives freedom. Ofcourse, Doctor Who says it best:



And then they go to the museum and Amy can't understand why, after all of that, Vincent still kills himself: it's not naive to see the good things. Not hopeless either. Sometimes, it's the only thing you can do.

Titus

Sometimes I wonder if people see me, see the person I would like to be or just the person who's trying. It's exhausting to live up to this imagined person, who looks awfully similar, sounds about the same, and may or may not smell nicer.

Meanwhile, I'm still plugging along, a little delusion in my time management juggling, but keeping my ahead above water.

This vid made me un-naturally happy and inspired:

Play

Pic of my (brave?) lil' sis jumping off a waterfall into 5ft of water

In my early years of elementary school I learned two things. I would be taught how to mail a letter and how to tell time.

Around middle school, I learned that in a few years I would be taught how to drive.

These three lessons stick out in my mind because, for whatever reason, I had this tremulous conviction that I would be terrible at all three things. Nothing real led me to believe this would be the case, but I approached all three tasks with dread, certain I was doomed for failure, wondering if I would be less of a person if I didn't try at all.

Thankfully, I can send mail without trouble. I can tell time. I can also drive reasonably well (and only occasionally get sympathetic stares when parallel parking).

A few months ago, my piano teacher informed me that there would be a recital for all of her students. Surely I was not part of this inclusion, I said to her with my eyes and my face. Not hearing me in this mode of conversation, she told me I could do a duet with the husband AND I could do the left side of the duet so people wouldn't even see me!

I thought this through, and immediately regretted acquiescing to her request.

Today was the recital, and though the husband and I were the only students over the age of fourteen, we did pretty well. Only two pretty negligible mistakes from me and one even less noticeable mistake from the husband.

There has been a lot of change going on in my life these past few months. I have been afraid. I have been anxious. I have wondered how things will possibly turn out okay.

And then they just do. Not always in the way I want. Not nearly as successfully as I hope. But they just do.

Surprise

I had every intention of posting sooner, even sooner TODAY than right now, but one of my favorite bloggers, Liz of the The Park Bench has returned from a two year hiatus and I pretty much had to stop everything I was doing and read every post she had up until today. Also, I've been listening to "These Words" by Jill Andrews on repeat and it's created a weird kind of sad/happy/wistful/sleepy feeling in me.

On principle, I hate surprises and their dumb tendency to sneak up on a person completely unawares. But these are nice surprises. (Song starts at 3:40)

Moonrise Kingdom

Source: ggariba.blogspot.com via Riana on Pinterest

I've been enjoying Vulture's feature called "The Toughest Scene I Wrote" where the screenwriters of some of the most notable films in 2012 explain the backstory on what they considered the most difficult scene to write of their film.

I was happy to see today's installment was Roman Coppola discussing Moonrise Kingdom. I watched the film with my sisters last week. When it was over, I asked them if they liked it and their response was, "We know you did since you were grinning like a dope for, like, the whole movie."

It is true. There was a lot of grinning. The production values alone were enough to emit an upward turning of the mouth. Add a cast that includes a 12 year old Lana Del Rey-esque loner who knows her way around a pair of safety scissors, Ed Norton in khaki shorts, husband and wife attorneys: Francis McDormand and Bill Murray, SWINTON, Max Fischer flashbacks in scout uniform, an officiating Jason Schwartzman, a non irritating narrator and Bruce Willis.

So many things to love.

New Shoes

I felt weird and blue today. In this situation, I tried the obvious tactics to cheer me up. I went to 6AM yoga. I came home and pestered the husband until he woke up to make me breakfast. I wore my favorite striped shirt. I did my hair. I put make up on my face. I ate a bunch of fun size Laffy Taffys. I wandered the mall testing out perfume and eating a pretzel. I filed my taxes. I am currently listening to Janet Jackson Pandora. And still...

All these years of introversion have created a false sense that if I sit very still, if I am very quiet, bad things will pass by me equally quiet, work schedules and responsibilities won't notice I am there and go away or absorb through me, gradually and without pain.

These past few days, I've had She and Him's "Brand New Shoes" stuck in my head.
I am reminding myself that the dread of the future isn't ever as terrible as I think it will be. The stillness that I cling to is sometimes only the bad part of it.