Slump

Sometimes I am so keyed up with anticipation that I'm left totally immobile save for a kind of involuntary buzzing. Work has been busy. Studying has begun. My birthday is this week. My sister is moving across the country. It's hard to take a step when my mind is going off in so many directions. On top of that, I started Donna Tartt's Goldfinch. Where is my strength? I wonder. Where is the energy for all of these lovely pursuits and better selves?

Meanwhile, I've pretty much watched this video more than 50 times since it was posted:

Peter

The husband and I will be watching the premiere of Doctor Who tomorrow. We've valiantly avoided to watch the episode on BBC America and I haven't looked at my Twitterfeed in the past 24 hours. David Tennant will always be "my doctor", but Matt Smith had a great run too.

Maureen Ryan had nice things to say about the episode and I'm excited about the reboot as, with the exception of the 50th anniversary special, the last batch of episodes have felt a little stale. Stephen Moffat will come through, I think. I hope.

My birthday is in a few weeks. A big one. Though I'm inclined to say that I'm okay with it and be sincere, sometimes I forget myself. I wonder if I could be at a different place. If I could be happier. If I could be less or more than I am. I'm going to watch Doctor Who tomorrow and try not to worry about it.

Bright

I wanted to write about Guardians of the Galaxy which I watched on Wednesday for the husband's birthday, but found that I didn't have a lot to say. I am so happy to see Chris Pratt, the movie star as I like him so much. The movie itself was funny and entertaining. I guess it just didn't give me cause for a whole lot of introspection, but it was fun.

I also watched the first episode of Outlander last week. It's hard to ignore Ron Moore and I admire Caitriona Balfe's Claire already. I don't get Starz so we'll see how into the show I get. My self-imposed summer break feels like it's coming to a close and I'm not sure how eager I am to get wrapped into a show once I go back to intense study mode.

I'm pathetically behind on my yearly goal to finish 50 books before the end of the year. But I'm in the middle of Alice Munro's Dear Life. I want to finish before I make up my mind. I just finished The Love Letters of Dylan Thomas. I was hoping for one thing and got something else. I wanted to be dazzled and touched. The peek into his thoughts were still good though.

Meanwhile, this song has been on my mind a lot lately:

Work

Although I adore the original, I have been inexplicably obsessed with Maxwell's cover of Kate Bush's "This Woman's Work". I always gravitate towards sad songs, but this song doesn't make me hurt. It makes me feel warm and comforted. It articulates what love feels like for me, not just the words. I marvel at how I fell so completely in love when my predilection leans closer to solitude and fear. I am amazed at the capacity my love could swell over the years. Love doesn't expel the fear or the solitude. It doesn't extinguish loneliness. My flaws, my cracks are still apparent, but love fills me. It consumes and shapes and I find I am more of the person I want to be in this love.

 

24

In Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close terms the 24^th of July is my “worst day”. Another one passed and I tried a different approach this year, namely indulging in Pie and Beer Day. My sweet husband left work early and made me a delicious pear gruyere pie as inspired by Pushing Daisies.

I also went to see Begin Again which I wished I would have liked more. The critique of the music industry was a little too preachy for me and it was hard not to wonder if John Carney was a little resentful over his Once success. Plus, Keira Knightley is a wonderful actress, but I wasn't entirely sold on her singing voice. Maybe the songs needn't have pushed me into making unfair Marketa Irglova comparisons?

The one bright spot of the movie was when, in a drunken pity party of two (with the amazing James Corden), Keira Knightley's character, Gretta writes a sad love song and leaves it on her ex's voicemail. In the last line, her voice catches and her pain is so clear. The sincerity and earnestness I was hoping to see throughout the movie is there in that one moment. The song is called "Like a Fool" and I encourage you to skip the movie and watch the clip on YouTube. Hmm, maybe that's too harsh? Maybe, wait until the movie's on Netflix? 

Fringe

I am bingeing hard on Fringe right now. I can't say why I never watched it when it was on the air, but given the lukewarm Alan Sepinwall reaction it's not too surprising. After the stress case I've been this first half of the year, I needed this show. John Noble's performance as Walter Bishop is so great as is his relationship with his son, Peter played by Joshua Jackson. It also feeds into my intense Pacey Witter crush of yesteryear. I would be remiss to exclude Anna Torv, as Olivia. She kicks trash, saves the day, saves herself, and saves the world.

I don't mind so much living in my small universe with the small group of people that I love and that love me. It doesn't feel so bad or absent or lacking in something more shiny. In short, it is the complete opposite feeling from the time I binge watched Battlestar Galactica and thought the universe was doomed and there was no point to life. I can't say that all this TV watching has helped my writing, nor do I know what I'll be occupying my time with once I finish these last few episodes of the series. I hope  I can hold on to this feeling that I'm okay for as long as I can.

Dreaming

I went to see Lauryn Hill at the Twilight Concert Series this past Thursday. This was the second time I have seen her live. Though the heavy winds and rain threatened, it was wonderful to see this R&B angel in white give me a surge of nostalgia that was the musical background at a particularly difficult time in my life.

I am resigned to the fact that I'm a wistful person. But I wonder if I rely too heavily on nostalgia, on the past. It sometimes makes it harder to feel things in the present. To be present, I guess. I've had Sam Smith's cover of Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know" on heavy rotation. A sweet twist on another nostalgic favorite. The longing is so beautiful.